In my effort to blog from an "I'm not perfect" standpoint, I want to share something that has been on my heart lately.
I never dreamed about being a mother when I was a little girl. I know women who planned their wedding when they were five, and daydreamed about their family plans when they were eight. I never did either of those things. (And I definitely never thought about having twins!) I've always been practical and organized. I spent my life thinking about what was "next" -- next I'll get married, next I'll get a job, next I'll get pregnant ...
And then I had children.
I don't want to make this about having twins, because it's not. And it's not about the chaos that is currently my house, or anything else that inevitably comes with parenthood. It's about being a first-time mother, and the condition of my heart. Yes, I love my baby girls with everything in me -- there's no question about that. When I was pregnant, I studied. I read the books, had all the head knowledge, and when the girls were born, I did a great job keeping them clean, fed, and well-rested. But, like the rest of my life, I spent my days thinking about "next". Next I'll feed them, next I'll let them play, next they'll nap. I tried to squeeze things that were important to me into the times between when my children "needed" me.
And I was never spending time in the present moment.
It's easy to let the routine become the only thing that matters. But I realized one day that it's not enough. They need me much more than just spooning food, changing diapers, and laying them down for naps. My children are changing every day, and I need to stop and watch it happen, for them and for me. Instead of talking on the phone or checking my email when the girls are awake, I try to get down on their level and interact with them. This may come naturally to you moms who have dreamed about children since you were little, but it took an attitude change for me.
I promise I was never emotionally neglectful of my children. :) I'm just trying to be a better mom than ever. I hope you can spend some time in the present moment today.